Coming back after some shows on the road usually involves some degree of letdown, usually prompted by exhaustion more than anything else. So I'm not too surprised that, arriving back in hot, humid London, Ontario, I'm feeling somewhat down. This trip was particularly tough, though; things did not go as planned...in fact, they seemed to go awry at almost every opportunity.
The first and perhaps most difficult snafu for me was a very poor turnout at my Montreal show. Now, I want to make it clear that I'm not writing this to whine or make my Montreal friends feel bad; on the contrary, when one is one's own booker/publicist/everything else, one feels pretty much totally responsible when things don't work out. So, even though the show was fun in its own way, I felt bad that I'd brought my guitarist all this way to play for about 6 people; I felt bad that we made such a paltry amount of money (particularly since I am about to take a coffeeshop job, or whatever I can get, due to total broke-ness); and I felt sad that this was probably going to be my last Montreal show for a while, since I'm heading out to the west coast by the end of the summer, and have no travel money before then. So, a big, heartfelt thank you to those who came out, and to the people at Centre St Ambroise for taking such nice care of us that evening. But I can't help but feel sad that that'll be it for a while.
Then Huntsville had to be cancelled, because we had no money for the bus. So Blair and I headed off to Toronto, which at least was very pleasant this weekend, rather than hot and awful. Then the hopes I'd had for my band to join me there unraveled, as various elements conspired to keep them in London. Finally, due to some personal circumstances, my guitarist had to rush home, and I was on my own for the show. This was disappointing, but fine: I'm used to doing solo shows, and in the end it was probably for the best, because the turnout, while better than Montreal's, was still pretty meagre, and it wouldn't exactly have been a lucrative night, if profits had been split several ways.
I did have a nice time in Toronto, but I spent the weekend away from my husband and dog for what ended up being a rather frazzled, costly enterprise. Again, I reiterate my gratitude to those who showed up and supported, and to those who put us up and showed us generosity. And I realize that this is just the way the game is, a lot of the time. Besides, who is holding a gun to my head, making me do it? During the many hours I spent on a Greyhound, in a station, or hauling my bags and guitar around hot city streets over the past few days, I've had Gillian Welch's song "Everything is Free" in my head... "Someone hit the big score / they figured it out / that we're gonna do it anyway / even if it doesn't pay"...
I love doing this, I need to do this, but if anybody every tells you that it's fun and easy all the time, they are lying. Sometimes the reason why I persist gets a little fuzzy in my mind.
Oh well.
Love,
K.
